


Visiting Cas

by ranereins (shadowintime)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Community: angst_bingo, Gen, Season 7 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-25
Updated: 2012-03-25
Packaged: 2017-11-02 12:15:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowintime/pseuds/ranereins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean stopped worrying about Sam a month ago but now Sam is worrying about Dean because Dean can’t stop worrying about Cas. *Major spoilers for 7x17 - The Born-Again Identity*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Visiting Cas

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 'Supernatural: Angels & Demons' square of my [Angst Bingo card](http://ranereins.livejournal.com/204030.html). Beta'd by sgflutegirl

It had been just over a month since they had left Cas in Sam’s previous room at the psychiatric ward of the state hospital. Not a day went by when Dean didn’t think of him at least once. He worried about his safety; all it took was one demon, creature that could really use a favor from a demon, or rogue angel finding out and there would be nothing that they would be able to do to save him. They’d try their damnedest because he was their friend and had done the same for them on multiple occasions, but chances were that they’d die with him.

They’d left Meg to secure a job in the hospital’s psychiatric ward so that she could look after him, and although it seemed like the best, not to mention only, option, it made both Sam and Dean uneasy. Meg was a demon, which made her an enemy by default, but their history with her made it even worse. Mutually assured destruction or not, the bitch was crazy and there was really no telling what she would do.

More than anything though, Dean worried for Cas’ sanity. Being an angel, that made him stronger than Sam, but seriously, how long could anyone stand that kind of mental torture without losing their mind completely? Sure, Cas had sat there quietly and as still as a statue when they’d left, but Dean remembered his reaction when he took Lucifer into his mind. He was terrified. Dean wasn’t sure that he’d ever seen Cas scared before, but that moment, that look of pure horror Cas had in that moment, it would be burned into Dean’s mind for the rest of his life. 

Dean looked over at Sam, sitting in the passenger seat and reading. He was happy to have his brother back, but at the same time he’d lost a friend. Hell, he’d lost a guardian angel. He hadn’t slept quite as soundly since they thought Cas had died, knowing that no one was out there, looking after him. For a brief moment when he found Cas alive and mostly well, it felt like something was right with the world again, like some of the weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Now it was all back and then some. He and Sam were on their own; no friends, no family left to watch their backs, to take up the slack.

“Hey, we’re only about seventy-five miles away from the hospital,” Dean said casually, “I’m thinking we make a little detour and go visit Cas.”

Sam looked up at his brother. His first instinct was to say ‘do you think we should risk it?’, but the sadness lurking in Dean’s eyes changed his mind. “Yeah, sounds good.”

Dean smiled a little. “Good.”

It was like some sort of vicious cycle with them, Sam thought. They took turns worrying about each other. Dean stopped worrying about him a month ago when Cas pulled Lucifer from his mind and now he was worrying about Dean because Dean couldn’t stop worrying about Cas. 

‘Round and round we go…’ his inner child sung.

Sam was worried about Cas too, but with Dean, there was something more to it. He was afraid to ask what it was though. He suspected it had something to do with what Dean had said before they left the hospital. _“We don’t even have friends, all our friends are dead.”_ Dean had never been good with being alone. Yeah, he still had Sam, but that was it. They’d always had someone to call before and now they didn’t, so if Dean needed to talk and he felt like he couldn’t talk to Sam, then yeah, he was alone in this world.

 

“I feel like we should have brought him something,” Dean said as they walked towards Cas’ room.

Sam watched as his brother fidgeted anxiously. “What would we have brought him? All the time we knew the guy and I don’t think I ever heard him say anything about liking anything in particular. Besides, this is the psych ward, I doubt they allow presents.”

“Cheeseburgers!” Dean said loudly, gaining him a look from an orderly. “He ate a cheeseburger once and he loved it! The sounds he was making, I could have sworn he was having sex with it. Maybe I should go get him one…”

“It’s past lunchtime Dean, I’m sure if he eats, he’s already eaten.”

Dean frowned. “It’s the thought that counts.”

Sam clapped a hand on Dean’s shoulder and gave him a small smile. “Then I think detouring 75 miles just to see him should suffice.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Here it is,” Sam said, pointing to the door to their left.

Dean took a deep breath before quietly turning the door knob and slowly opening the door; he didn’t want to risk startling Cas.

Cas appeared to be sitting exactly as they had left him a month ago, staring at the wall.

“Hey Cas,” Dean said softly. “Bet you didn’t think we’d come and see you, huh?”

Cas didn’t move.

“Um, I’m just gonna say one thing and then I’ll leave you two alone, okay?” Sam told Dean.

Dean nodded.

Sam crouched down in front of Cas and gently took one of Cas’ hands in his own. “I, uh… I really didn’t get a chance to properly thank you for what you did last time, so I hope that you can hear me.” Sam cleared his throat. “I can never, ever repay you Cas. But I want you to know… if there is a way to fix this, we’ll find it. And I really hope that there is and we do, so that I can say thank you and know that you’re hearing it.” 

Cas said nothing and continued to stare at the wall

Sam nodded and stood. “Alright. I’ll uh… I’ll just be right outside.”

Dean nodded and waited for Sam to close the door behind himself before moving towards Cas. He stood where Sam had moments before and crouched. “Hey Cas. I uh…” he took in a calming breath, willing himself not to get emotional. “The whole way here I was thinking of things I wanted to say, but now that I’m here, I can’t remember a damn one.”

He chuckled and looked around the room, hoping for inspiration as to what to say. “I keep wishing that angels and demons weren’t real because then we wouldn’t be in this situation we’re in, but then I remember that I never would have met you if they weren’t. And that would have been a real shame because as much as you got on my nerves sometimes, you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. You made me laugh, mostly with all your first time experiences. I was just telling Sam as we were coming in how you reacted to a cheeseburger. That was… it was priceless.”

Dean patted Cas’ knee. “I guess I just wish that there weren’t demons. It always starts with demons, doesn’t it? If demons didn’t exist, you wouldn’t have Lucifer in your head, Sam and I would have had different lives, a whole lot of people would still be alive… I guess if it weren’t for that crap, we wouldn’t have met either.”

Dean dropped to his knees as he felt the first tear roll down his cheek. “I just miss you Cas. I miss knowing that you could pop up at any second, that I’ll talk to you again, that I’ll get to witness another first… I miss knowing that maybe you’re watching over me. God knows I need it!”

Dean closed his eyes and his head slumped as the tears began to flow freely. “Everyone’s gone except you and Sam… and I don’t even know if you’re still in there. I don’t want to die alone and I feel like that’s where I’m headed!”

Cas looked down and him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Dean’s head shot up and he clasp a hand over the on resting on his shoulder. “Cas?! Cas, can you hear me?!”

Cas said nothing.

Dean smiled a little. “At least I know you’re still in there.”


End file.
